Hello my beautiful girlies,
It’s been a minute !!!
First, I want to express how much I’ve missed you and missed interacting with all of you. Before I started writing online, I would see influencers and digital creators saying it and I always thought it was one of those empty flatteries people say to seem warm and cultivate a connection with their community.
But now that I’ve had a tiny little taste of it, I can genuinely say that this digital relationship means so much to me… and I truly did miss you, a lot, especially those of you who interact with me privately.
And to all the beautiful ladies who reached out to me and kept checking up … thank you so much for caring … I am sending you a big virtual hug (How corny, I know )
So where did I disappear? And how dare I leave you hanging in the middle of my podcast Serie? was I just vacationing or did something terrible happen?
Well, unfortunately, it was the latter. And tragedy comes in threes (the much-needed vacationing came after lol)
My family-in-law and I have suffered a terrible loss, twice and back-to-back.
So, it was time for me to put everything on hold my professional and philanthropist life as well as my social and cultural hobbies…And put on my devoted dutiful wife’s hat, and get to work since I am the only woman close enough and old enough to take care of family matters.
Don’t worry, no one pressured me to take on such family duties, I was happy to step up since I have an amazing relationship with my immediate family-in-law, especially with my father-in-law, god bless him.
Besides the emotional toll the loss of a loved one can have on one’s soul, fortunately, there are a lot of affairs and formalities to be handled right after the tragedy, which can be a useful distraction from the immense sadness and grief.
So, I found myself diving head-first into the formalities and traditions of my husband’s family in his home country (A legal system I knew very little about 3 months ago).
Because as Westernized and modern as we can be as a couple in our way of life or personal beliefs and convictions… we still are Arabs to the bones ( even though I was raised in France) and we both cherish and appreciate the connection we have for our respective roots and understand our cultural sensitivities.
It certainly helped that while I was taking care of the family duties on another continent, my husband diligently handled and oversaw my work.
Please keep in mind that I had the financial comfort that allowed me to even consider the option of living up to my wife's duties… to be realistic: Being a kind selfless wife is a luxury.
Unfortunately, family tragedies don’t send notices before they fall on us, and it felt very gauche for me to continue talking about hypergamy, dating, and relationships when the closest people to me are in immense pain.
It was time to be there for my husband, my stepson, and my in-laws… especially since one of the family members we lost is the woman who raised my husband after his mother passed away.
My husband ( the eldest) and his brothers have already suffered the loss of their mother when they were ( 14, 10, 8, and 7), so the passing of yet another mother was devastating to everyone.
She was an exceptional woman, the first one to welcome me with open arms into the family.
I can’t even begin to describe how unique she was… an unmatched strength of character and goodness.
I don’t want to talk a lot about the sad and soul-crushing part of all of this, because you don’t need it. I am sure most of you have your own hardships that are taking a heavy enough toll on you, so no need to burden you with mine. I will keep this post as interesting and lighthearted as I can, just like what you’re used to getting from me.
So, after getting the call, i knew it was time for me to put everything on hold my professional and philanthropist life as well as my social and cultural hobbies…And put on my devoted dutiful wife’s hat, and get to work since I am the only woman close enough and old enough to take care of family matters.
Besides the unofficial responsibility of being the wife of the oldest son, emotionally, it felt only right to give a little bit of my time and energy to honor the woman who raised the man I love and the man who has given me a kind of happiness and a sense safety I never thought possible ( Being the calculated gold-digger I am, I genuinely believed that to achieve the financial comfort I wanted, I would have to compromise a little bit on pure love and happiness as we know it…which turned out to be wrong… topic for another day lol)
Anyway, when the deceased has lived a full and meaningful life, there is a cultural, religious, and sentimental obligation and sense of duty to protect and carry on their legacy as well as execute their wishes (under the Islamic guidelines and customs)
Some of you already know that I am married to a Middle Eastern man from a family with a certain pedigree, which is considered (kind of) within my culture and my religion since I am Middle Eastern too but born and raised in France.
And if I say prominent Middle Eastern family, I certainly do not mean Downton Abbey meets Dubai Bling or whatever caricatural stereotype pushed by Netflix. Reality is far less dramatic and eccentric and more normal than you might think.
In the Middle-east and particularly the Gulf region, the societal hierarchy and pedigree have more variables than just money or nobility by Western standards… prominence and status come from several components: how big is the tribe/ clan ?, how long has the lineage been rooted in the land ?, how strongly are their alliances with other prominent tribes ( through matrimony or business) are they direct descendants of one of the founding families? ( not the royal family ), their virtue and contribution to the community ( art, intellect and charity), how anchored in their cultural heritage, and of course the origins of their wealth (if it’s considerable)… etc
(I will try to find some resources if you want to learn more about the social dynamics of a population never accurately portrayed in the mainstream media )
From picking tableware patterns, overseeing the planning of traditional ceremonies with over
300 attendees at a time, organizing donations and religious services, arranging travel and accommodation for extended family… to overseeing testament execution (for intangible inheritance and non-monetary assets, FYI: in Arab Muslim countries the inheritance is distributed according to the Islamic law and executed by lawyers specialized in Islamic jurisprudence), hiring the right people and sometimes firing the wrong ones, supervising lawyers, contractors and general event planning and catering staff …. And most importantly honoring the defunct in a decent and virtuous manner by making sure that their legacy and charitable deeds outlive them.
I am aware that most of you are not familiar with these cultural and religious practices, so I will briefly explain them and try to make it a learning opportunity for all of you ( in case you’re interested in marrying into this culture)
In the Islamic religion, and specifically in Arab countries, the way we honor our loved ones after they pass is to bury them as soon as possible ( preferably within 24 hours ), then proceed with the funeral rites and obsequies which can last multiple days, even weeks… depending on how big is the family and tribe/clan ( numbers wise ).
All the formalities and commemorations are considered good deeds for the defunct’s soul and are a show of respect and love for them. Hosting an appropriate funeral (s) is of the utmost importance.
Then comes the 40th day after the passing ( like a remembrance day ), and the “ sadaqah jariah” ( a running charity ) which is a sustainable ongoing charitable deed that continues to benefit people in the long term: like a viable business that all profit goes to support the disadvantaged, a well in a deserted area, a mosque, a school or hospital in a poor country, planting trees, a scholarship fund …
It’s also customary that the defunct family keep their doors open ( literally and metaphorically ) and encourage people in difficult situations to seek their help and make their needs known during the mourning period to increase charity deeds ( which I think is a beautiful tradition)
Everything I mentioned above had to be done twice since we lost two family members in a month interval. One of them was the beautiful woman I considered my mother-in-law.
So, these past couple of months have been emotionally draining, yet very rich culturally, intellectually, and spiritually. It forced me to learn so much so quickly about the culture, traditions, and social dynamics in a profound way and under intense circumstances.
The experience as a whole carried a lot of hardships and challenges… and pushed me to my extremes sometimes.
But I am very grateful I had the privilege to be a good wife and a great daughter-in-law, and to have the opportunity to bond with many family members in a meaningful manner. And to weed out those whose only purpose is to live up to the cliche of mean and petty in-laws and deal with them accordingly.
On a cheerier note, I upped my Abaya and caftan game ( get ready to be spammed with Abaya elegance content lol), and enhanced my knowledge and appreciation for Bukhoor and Arabian incense (I always was a bukhoor and oud person, now am the annoying friend who found a new passion 😛)
Another strange thing I learned about myself lately, is how hard it was for me to delegate most of my business affairs to my husband who kept going back and forth to the UK for his work… Now that I saw how great he did, I suddenly feel like I have a lot of free time. I don’t know if you can relate to me in this specific situation, but I've always liked to work, to be busy and productive… Now I don’t even know how I feel about it. It’s strange to me.
I also made some amazing connections and friendships in the art and business world…I am even entertaining the idea of starting a business in the region.
Okay one last important thing, I got to hear a lot of embarrassing childhood/teenage stories about my husband.
Let me know if you want me to talk more about Arab culture and dynamics ( Of course there are 22 Arab countries and each country (and sometimes city) has its own distinctive socio-cultural construction). Still, I will do my best to communicate what I know beyond the Western stereotypes. You can of course respond to this email, I will be reading all of your messages.
I am Celine Gray
I write (anonymously) about everything I learned from 25+ years of dating up and marrying up (twice).
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Céline, with love ❤
